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We’re surprised to announce that Andros Townsend might be onto something

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Andros Townsend was close to one of football's most bizarre injuries.
Andros Townsend was close to one of football's most bizarre injuries.

Like many of you, we’ve had our fun with Andros Townsend this summer.

Planet Football was vaguely aware that Townsend had moved to Thailand, embracing both semi-retirement and his inner yearning for a Gap Year. We’re surprised more domestic players don’t go down this route.

Then the former Tottenham and England winger started saying strange things about sunglasses and onto the bandwagon we jumped. He was our first thought during last month’s eclipse.

Pitchforks were lit when Townsend posted videos of him eating boiled eggs at the airport and a warrant was sent out when he ate a tupperware of them onboard a plane.

He’s been given the Screen Rot treatment, a podcast that makes sense of the world for quarter-zipped millennials.

And much of the pointing and laughing at Townsend has its place. He’s turned his lifestyle choices, aimed at prolonging his career, into content for the baited generation.

Our main memory of him from the World Cup isn’t the actually-quite-good punditry, but clips of him demolishing pieces of raw steak from the commentary gantry.

But let’s posit an uncomfortable thought – maybe eating chicken feet and frying his retinas on a daily basis has just saved him from serious injury.

You’ll have seen the clip by now. Townsend, warming up for PT Prachup before their Thai Premier League game against Pattani, is taken out by Fred Flinstone’s pitch roller.

He’d just flicked the ball away, before the vehicle seem to engulf Townsend. It eventually came to a stop with the player’s legs invisible underneath it.

It’s an unquestionably hilarious moment, an extreme version of the illict thrill you get watching someone run and fail to catch a bus. Although to say the 35-year-old was startled wouldn’t be an understatement.

We half-expected Townsend to emerge with limbs like a squeezed tube of toothpaste, but he appeared unharmed. He even took part in the match, albeit as a brief substitute.

He later reposted a video on social media captioned: “Just another day in Thai Football [he was fine!]”

He later wrote on his own Instagram story: “It turns out Stoke away wasn’t so bad after all. Swipe to see why.”

One social media user described Townsend as “The King of Memes in Thai League history”, to which he replied “trust me” with four laughing emojis.

But how did Townsend escape injury? Perhaps years of keeping himself in top physical fitness helped. We can hear our own legs snapping like Twiglets in the same situation.

Perhaps the roller’s speed wasn’t enough to cause anything more than shock. Perhaps it was luck.

Or maybe Townsend is onto something with his highly-publicised diet and lifestyle choices. Something to ponder.

By Michael Lee

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