Hashtag United’s ‘AI footballers’ should make us question our humanity

Hashtag United have unveiled a pair of new signings – but not the kind fans might expect and ones that reveal much about society in 2025.

The Essex-based club, who play in English football’s seventh tier, announced the arrival of Holly and Harvey, who they claim are the world’s first AI professional footballers.

The Isthmian League Premier Division side, founded by YouTuber Spencer Carmichael-Brown (known online as Spencer FC), revealed the digital duo to general bemusement on Tuesday.

A club statement said: “We are delighted to announce the double signing of Holly and Harvey, who become the world’s first AI professional footballers.

“We may have to wait a little longer to see their debuts, but as soon as technology allows, they will be taking to the pitch.

“Unfortunately, they are both currently suffering from the fairly rare case of “missing body syndrome” but both miraculously passed their medicals with flying colours.

“In the meantime, they will start work right away, representing the club and creating content. Please give them a big Hashtag welcome and drop them a follow.”

🚨 AI PLAYERS CONTRACTED!

We are delighted to announce the double signing of Holly and Harvey who become the world’s first AI professional footballers. We may have to wait a little longer to see their debuts but as soon as technology allows they will be taking to the pitch.… pic.twitter.com/edTMfSIVd3

— Hashtag United (@hashtagutd) October 7, 2025

Without football talent to call upon, Holly and Harvey have been made into conventionally attractive approximations of human beings.

Both ‘players’ already have thirst trap Instagram accounts. Holly’s page has released a video decrying the haters (‘the world isn’t ready for AI footballers’) while sounding on the verge of tears.

Women’s football has made incredible progress in recent years, but Hashtag United have made Holly into nothing but a sexual object for the male gaze. It is both maddening and a large step backwards.

This is before touching on the problematic nature of AI, ignored by a Labour government stuffed with politicians whose vision only extends to their re-election prospects.

AI data centres are increasing exponentially, using more of our planet’s finite energy than ever, and bills are skyrocketing. All so absolute nonsense like this can be created.

Technology, it has always been said, was supposed to reduce the workload of human beings.

Most of us are working longer hours for less money, while being told by smooth-handed b*llshitters that productivity is the meaning of life.

While most of the population regard AI as a novelty, such as the intended target audience for this stunt, there are also questions over what it means for wider humanity.

Already, AI is being eagerly inserted into the arts from writing to film and music. Imperfections are being whitewashed in the name of progress, stripping away soulfulness for a cheap gimmick.

Harrowingly, there are also cases of AI being used to animate pictures of the dead and scramble the minds of the grief-stricken.

The reaction to Hashtag United’s announcement was widely one of disgust, but some respondents were keen to stress that it was all a joke, a genius piece of PR not to be taken seriously.

It might be possible to write off Holly and Harvey as misguided rather than malicious, an experiment with a new strand of technology that currently has no boundaries.

But who seriously expects its involvement in football to stop there, especially when Keir Starmer wants to ‘mainline AI into the veins of the nation’.

We are in the process of cheerfully eroding the best parts of humanity in the name of growth and progress. The window to stop and question our decision is closing.

By Michael Lee

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